Best Man Speech

Having been asked by my younger brother to be his Best Man last year I trawled the net for ideas. I was under a bit of pressure from the lads to come up with a speech to reflect the kind of dogging my friends have to put up with. I hope this might help some of you. The bold words were used to highlight aspects to help with my preperation. I rehearsed it so much i forgot how funny it was, so I was still very nervous about the reception I’d get.

Ladies and gentlemen / if there’s anybody here this afternoon who’s feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead/ it’s probably because you’ve just married  AlI would just like to begin by thanking Al for his kind words, on behalf of the bridesmaids. I’m sure you all agree that they look lovely/ and have done a great job today / I would also like to thank all of you for being here today/ to share in this very special occasion – it’s amazing how far some people will travel for a free meal.Thanks also go to Al and Sam / on behalf of everyone for inviting us to the wedding / and for Anne and Tony for laying on such wonderful food through the Inn at Whitewell / where [bring out separate notes], throughout the month of September/ you can enjoy a weekend mini-break for only £85 per night/ as long as you take in a Sunday/ Please ask Lioni at reception for details/

Right, that should cover my room bill for this evening.

–          I am sure it will come as no surprise to any of you that I have known Al all his life. And during this time, he’s been like a brother to me!

It’s hard to believe Al’s got married.  / ….. It’s even harder to believe he’s married a girl like Sam/

She’s beautiful / Intelligent and has a good job / so we can only assume she’s made a sympathetic choice /

Rather than a stupid one./

It’s been said many times that all unhappy marriages are a result of the husband having brains./ And with that in mind / I have total confidence / this marriage will be an exceptionally happy one /

.By the way there’s a couple of things I’ve not to mention /……………

Al‘s ex girlfriends…/………….. Unfortunately they couldn’t come today,/

But they do send their condolences to Sam!/

And of course the Stag night/

The men in the room will all be aware of what goes on at a stag do / and All’s was no different./ We did all the usual things /– we visited museums/, historic monuments/ and a couple of cathedrals / no /

Fortunately /– the Law of the Stag covers the rest……………..And that last lap dance

Why Newcastle though / we may as well have been in lapland

Al was born dec 1973/ the year family planning was 1st available on the NHS/

Don’t beat yourself up about that Mum…/…… We all make mistakes /

Al’s been making them all his life /……….Mistakes   that is /

Until today /


Born 1973 …/…….Eating Poohing and crying like a baby

Nothings changed there then /……

Went to school /

Now Al’s credibility as a red-blooded stud, ties in nicely here /, because his performances in bed have been compared / to some of the comments on his school report: / ‘aim higher’,/ ‘slightly disappointing’ / and ‘does not always fill his full potential’./

Well he left school and says/ he hasn’t had enough time do decide what to do next /

For those of you who don’t know Al /, like his friends do,/………one of his uncanny traits / is his ability to talk for hours on any subject…/………….and days if he knows anything about it./

Now you might be wondering how they 1st met./

Al remembers it very well./

A few of us out down Blackburn/ the usual scouting mission /finally ending up in CUBES./

He spots a blonde over at the bar /

See through top,/ white bra /and some kinky black boots on/

In fact I remember making a note myself/

Anyway he’s trying all night to find out who this girl is/ without arousing too much suspicion/ in case WE spoil it for him

Well its gone last orders/ and Alex just happens to come over /and Al gets his 1st introduction to Sam/

He tells me she had her hands all over him after that./

Now, Ive learnt over the years to know  when he’s bullshitting/

His LIPS are moving/ AND

when I asked Sam for her recollection of the night/ she said / “I was drunk that night / and I just fancied a snog.

I was asking Sam’s mum ANNE   earlier /what words of advice had she given her daughter / before going out into the big wide world /and she said/ “Don’t expect much / and you wont be disappointed”/

Well Sam/You’ll not be disappointed/

 it’s funny how life comes full circle/. It doesn’t seem that long ago when,/ Sam’s mum and dad / Tony and Anne/ were sending their beautiful daughter to bed with a dummy/ – and here we are again today./

It’s also traditional for me to offer / some words of advice/ to ensure a peaceful life /

  1. If you want to have a word with Sam/ about something you think is important / without being interrupted –/ wait till she’s asleep /
  2. when you’re wrong/ admit it /
  3. And when you’re right/ keep it to yourself



May I wish you and your bride many happy returns together

You are an inspiration to all those trying to settle into the community

You’re time here affected everyone

That was the Chairman of the local Mental Institution

Dear Al

Good luck on your wedding day, and I hope you spend many happy Years together

But I will always wonder what might have happened between us had things worked out differently.


The Backdoors always open

And that’s from Elton John

Thank you for listening to me today;/ I have one more duty to perform,/ and that is to toast the bride and groom./ Ladies and gentlemen,/ to Alastair and Sam.





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